Robin Williams Weapons of Self Destruction Original Air Date on Decemer 6, 2009 ( audience cheering, applauding ) ( rock music playing ) -- Sync, corrected by elderguy -- -- for addic7ed.Com -- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemales, Please welcome Robin Williams! ( cheering ) No! Please. Sit down! Thank you! Thank you! What's up, D.C.? Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! ( cheering, hooting ) Wow, give thanks to you. Mmm. Thank you. Please, I've had actually heart surgical treatment. Thank you. It's nice to be in Washington, wbelow the buck stops right here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to A.I.G. and also many various other human being. Now... I have the new Timothy Geithner $20-bill. It's simply been published, sort of neat. Instead of "in god we trust," It just states "trust me." And it claims "spend prior to Tuesday." And additionally instead of Anattracted Jackkid, it has the little man from monopoly going-- and also I know many of you have actually been in search of Sarah Palin's book. It is a bitch to uncover. Good luck. I uncovered it somewbelow in between fiction and non-fiction in the fantasy aisle. It was kind of fun. Wonderful. Do you get-- carry out you gain the feeling through Sarah Palin, In high institution she was voted leastern likely to compose a book and many most likely to burn one? Do you think that might've been-- she's pretty wild. Baby, I love her. And likewise, Oprah-- Oprah has retired-- Is gonna retire her present. Please say it isn't so! Oprah's gonna retire her show. I hope she's not bummed out about losing the Olympics. I hope that's not it. It wasn't really fair. Chicago sent Oprah and also Michelle, Brazil sent 50 strippers and a pound of blow. It's choose, what? Do you think the Olympic committee was going "Oprah? Shaved pussy? Oprah, would certainly you-- okay, we're gonna have to go this way." And that the fuck thinks that Rio is safer than Chicago?! My God. They're gonna need to make kidnapping and also waxing Olympic events. Degree of difficulty: 5.3. ( mimics ripping noises ) But it is amazing. They have actually the Winter Olympics in Vancouver and the torch is heading across Canada right currently and already in B.C. they're lighting torches going-- ( choked ) "we're waiting." Come on, you folks that just came from Capitol Hill. Come on dvery own. Wbelow do you go? How are you, my friends? Grab some seats. - You were caught in-- - ( audience shouting ) What? - ( woguy shouts ) - that's your old boss? Did you fuck him? Sorry. Okay. Not an incorrect question to ask in Washington. No. And he's going, "no! No! She was simply a page, it's okay!" And it was weird. In California this summer all the State Parks caught on fire which was sad because these parks are full of weed. It's poor news. It's like-- even the guys fighting the fires are like... ( laughing ) "fuck! Oh my God! Make one more rainbow, Tommy! Oh my God!" It's weird. Even Smocrucial the Bear was going, "only you can-- Shit, I kbrand-new this. Fuck." And The golden state weed is kick-ass fucking weed. This is weed that even Jamaicans go, "oh, don't smoke that weed, guy." It's The golden state catatonic. It's the kind of weed you hit it and also it's favor... Fuck! Shit! I'm not doing somepoint. What is it? Oh right, breathe! ( exhales ) And you gain so stoned, you end up sitting on your couch for a week to the allude wbelow your cat's going, "get up, you asshole! I've been eating my own shit for the last 2 days! I understand I'm mellow, however this is fucking ridiculous!" And if they legalize it, they're going to need to regulate it and they're going to have to a warning on a box of joints. It's going to need to say, "Surgeon General has actually determined this will certainly make your music awesome. Even Yanni. And if you believed you delighted in cartoons before..." and also if they're gonna have ads-- they're gonna have ads and it'll be favor instead of the Marlboro man, it'll be the Mendocino guy. It'll be a cowboy on the back of a equine going, "shit, am I thirsty. God damn." Even the horse will certainly be going, "I don't recognize wbelow the fuck I am. God damn, I got a tiny cotton mouth right here. God damn it." And the weird fucking point through these weather systems-- the storms appropriate currently have actually been fucking insane. Kick-ass tornados in the midwest. It offered to be in the midwest as soon as you had a tornacarry out, it was favor everybody get in the root cellar. Not anyeven more. You fuckers are choose "acquire a video clip camera! Get outside! Film it, Bobby!" How's the tornado? "it simply blew my pants off. Keep shooting. Fuckin'-a!" You recognize the difference in between a tornacarry out and divorce in the South? Nothing. Someone's shedding their trailer, number one. It's choose, mmm! God damn! The hurricanes have actually been acquiring bigger and fucking bigger. And they typically provide them names that don't really inspire fear. Like hurricane Terrence does not inspire are afraid. This sounds favor a slightly gay hurricane. Wbelow are you going? "I could go to Boca. I could go to South Beach. I don't know. All I recognize is blowing is involved. Yes!" And they have to name the hurricanes After the human being it's gonna be fucking with. If it's going to Texas-- hurricane Billy Ray. Come on now. What are you gonna do? "fuck shit up! That's what goes on." If it's off the shore of Miami-- hurricane Bernie. "hello! He took our 401k. The goniff's coming ago for the home. Move out! Let's fucking go!" And once they named a hurricane Hurricane Ike, I went, ultimately, they have actually the balls to name a hurricane after a crack-smoking, wife-beating motherfucker. Yeah! Even Tina Turner would go, "you'd much better obtain your shit and get out of the house. 'reason Ike never does anypoint nice and straightforward. Never before." And the hurricanes have been acquiring so significant that also the male on the weather channel is freaked out. He's going, "okay, let's go to our brand-new hurricane weather map-- Fuck! This is hurricane Shavon. The map is the entire South The asshole in the middle is Dallas. Um, crazy. Back to you, Ted. I just shit myself." And they constantly go down to some bad fuckers on the shore in the middle of the storm hoing, "carl, how's it dvery own tright here on the coast?" "not bad! Seems to be kicking up!" And then there's constantly the results where they interview some household standing in the wreckage of their beach residence and they're always going favor, "hurricane came and tore every little thing up. And we had simply redeveloped." Time out. How frequently execute you rebuild? "yearly." Why do you reconstruct here? "we love the see." Well, you may desire to acquire some styrofoam furniture that goes up and also fucking dvery own. Some points that you deserve to hose off maybe. But the weird point is, I can't give them shit. I like in The golden state. I live on God's etch-a-sketch. It's crazy. We have actually earthquakes eextremely other day. And you acquire sort of blasé. Like, "oh, fuck. 2.5, not negative. Oh, shit! 5.8. Maybe we must have drinks outsides. Let's go." And they constantly talk about the massive one. I was in a 7.5 earthquake. That was a "fuck me" minute. That was a-- ( screams ) And they went, "that was not the huge one." Really? Well, what will the substantial one be? "well, in the big one, if there is the substantial earthquake, Nevada will be wine country, number one." And as soon as will certainly the massive one be? "well, we have a window of opportunity." Well, what will certainly that be? "can be tomorrow... or 10,000 years from currently." Well, thanks for the fucking heads-up The only warning you have is if your cat Is spread-eagle in the doormeans like-- ( howls ) Get the fuck out. And if your parrot starts going, "load the car! Pack the car! Food and also water! Food and also water!" Also, if you have a parrot, execute not leave them in the bedroom. They hear every little thing. All of the sudden you'll have guests over for dinner and the parrot will certainly go "not the ass." whoa-ho-ho! Petey! ( chuckles ) he's been watching porn aobtain. "fuck me, Teddy! Fuck me hard!" Honey, who's Teddy? Hmm. And the weird point is you try and also perform your component to alleviate your carbon footprint. And if you have actually a hybrid, God bless you, sweet cars. But specifically if you drive them exterior a significant city, you gain into little bit cities specifically in the South, it becomes kind of exciting. you pull into a tiny gas terminal, it's choose, "what the fuck is this? Bobby, obtain over here. It's one of them new inbreds! Look at this motherfucker. Shit, looks prefer Volkswagen fucked a golf cart. God damn. I did not hear you come in. You might want to put some cards in the spokes of your wheels so you make some fucking noise." That's why there's not gonna be any NASCAR hybrid race. A NASCAR hybrid race would certainly be prefer, "here they come." ( blowing softly ) And I love the males that say, "I watch NASCAR for the racing." Yeah, I watch porn for the acting. You liar! You watch NASCAR to see team viagra spin out in flames and also the male gain out via his pubes on fire going, "I'm okay!" And tbelow was a man in the South that sassist, "they need to have NASCAR in the Olympics." And it was choose, mm-hmm. At that minute ever before Darwin was going, "come via me." This is the ascent of guy. You stand also below. But it's weird also. If you recycle, God bmuch less you. You recycle, good for you, congratulations. But if you recycle, tright here is one team who is really pissed off. That group are the raccoons. They are going with your recycling choose, ( irish accent ) "what the fuck is this shit? Wbelow are the hefty bags? The piñata of life that supplied to feed a whole fucking family? This is glass and plastic. I can't digest this shit, you green asshole! I'm spreading this shit anywhere your lawn! I'm taking a dump in your pool also." I don't recognize why I made the raccoons Irish, however it functions. Now... and they're ballsy bit motherfuckers too. You rotate on the light, they look at you prefer, "what the fuck you gonna do? I got a skunk as backup. Don't make me speak to him." And they've acquired those little jazz paws. "jazz paws!" They deserve to open doors, cabinets. I'm amazed you don't come residence and discover them on the computer going, "I'm ordering shit. How you doing? The dog knows I'm below. I locked him in the fucking closet. He's an idiot. Too late." And the deer in The golden state have full amnesty 'cause they recognize no one's gonna cap their ass and strap them to the front of a Ranger Rover and also go downtown for a mocha. They walk via your yard like supermodels via hooves. Like, "hi. Are these your roses? Oh my God, a deer fence." ( makes whooshing noise ) And I love the five point buck that jump out in front of your automobile choose, "I hope you're insured. 'cause I'm taking you out. This is revenge for my brother who's hanging in a bar in Tennesview. Fuck you." And we have coyotes, which are prefer dogs on crack. They come into your yard looking favor, "hey! I'm a dog. Ooh! Ooh, I'm a fucking dog. Hey! Psst, listen. Do you have any tiny pets you don't need?" And I'm certain your cat is sitting in the ago going, "I will certainly shit in the box! Don't sfinish me out there. Those things eat pussy! Don't send me out there!" ( hisses ) And if you have actually a cat a a dog... and also they live together, perform you think your cat mind-fucks your dog? I don't think it's fair. I think the moment you go to sleep the cat's favor, "Scooby!" ( hisses ) "yeah yeah?" "hey, Scooby, are you man's finest friend?" "oh God, yeah. I love him. I love him!" "really? Then wright here are your balls?" "shit, they were tbelow yesterday. I wondered why my ass tasted differently." "I'm simply saying that's weird. You understand, I'm simply saying--" ( hacking ) "I'm simply saying that's weird, that's all I'm saying." And civilization in California give their cats prozac. How much more mellow deserve to a fucking animal be? But that's California, wbelow animals have actually much better healthtreatment than the rest of the nation. It's fucking insane. And if the entirety healthcare debate-- If you want to understand just how your congressman and senators are gonna vote, we should actually-- possibly they should be favor NASCAR vehicle drivers. They need to actually have to have jackets via the names of all the world who are sponsoring them. Wouldn't that be cool? Fuckin'-a! Yeah, baby. Then you could have actually a clue to why the fuck they voted that way. "big drug company." obtained it! Thank you. And I have an different healthcare plan. It's dubbed cash-for-clunkers- for-older-relatives. It's sort of fun. You offer grandma for parts. Grandma, you've obtained two kidneys. We need a porch. Let's perform this. And execute not offer grandma's kidneys to that Hasidic Rabbi in New Jersey. Fuck. Who buys organs from a Hasidic Rabbi Going, "I'm crazy Itzhak. Come on down. I'm verklempt via values. Come on down! I've acquired kidneys. I've got livers. How's the liver? Fresh! Come on down! and also if you order now, you'll get this lovely wallet made from a Hasidic foreskin. You rub it, It becomes a suitcase. Come on down! Come on down! I'm open 24/6 for you! Come on!" And if you have actually an older relative living with you That has dementia And the temarketers are calling, put her on the phone through the telemarketers. It functions. After two hours she thinks she's talking to your long-lost cousin Carl and also the fucking telemarketers will certainly never contact back aobtain. And it's weird also, 'cause I had open heart surgery Which allows you know specifically what the fuck it is-- open up heart. An angiogram does not let you know What they're going to do. An angiogram is where they go via your groin to your heart. And how kbrand-new that the method to man's heart was via his groin? And the women-- many kind of women are going, "we've recognized that forever before. Yes. Simple. You grab a man's balls, his heart will follow." And I found out I had actually a poor heart because they did an echocardiogram and also my heartbeat was like-- ( mimics irregular beating ) My cardiologist went, "that's not good." My latin friend shelp, "no, you could dance to that. That's kinda cool." And then they did the angiogram and also I heard my-- ( blowing raspberries ) I had actually a blvery own valve which renders me sound choose a Chevrolet. Like what the fuck? And they started giving me options around what kind of valves I can acquire. And here were some of my choices: Number one-- a porcine valve Which is a pig valve, which is type of cool bereason you're already inoculated for swine flue, number one. And among the side impacts is you have the right to discover truffles, which is type of cool. I was hoping to gain an equine valve 'reason then you deserve to hang out of your shorts favor, "oh my God.. Baby, I'm sorry. I just gained excited." You know? To acquire out of the house, you need to have a midobtain jump on your back going, "we're going external right now. How many kind of months considering that the surgery?" 5. And they readily available me a mechanical valve which is kind of cool. I believed, maybe I have the right to gain the brand-new Apple iheart. That would be excellent. It comes through 20,000 emotions and also that would certainly be-- and I assumed, wait a minute. if I can gain an iheart, females, just how around this? Instead of breast implants-- Speakers. Wouldn't that be cool? We'll call 'em blue tits, they'll be compatible through the heart. And if you can't afford speakers, simply put in a squeak toy. We're that straightforward. That'd be excellent. A lot of you men would certainly be going-- ( squeaks ) "oh yeah, baby." ( squeaking ) ( laughing ) And I'll put a whistle in my dick so when you blow me-- Whoo! Kind of fun, however... I ended up gaining a bovine valve which is a cow valve. Which is type of cool, 'cause you can shit standing up. That's good. Great to be below. Nice to be here. But after the surgery, you get extremely emotional. It's like-- it's like weird. People go, "just how are you?" ( crying ) God, many thanks for asking. And I acquired so emotional, I assumed rather of a valve They provided me a tiny vagina. Which is like-- what? "just how are you?" a lot better currently, say thanks to you. Mmm. Oh God. Don't use the paddles, just rub me right here. Tbelow we go. And if this is the symbol for guys, Is this the symbol for women? Don't jerk me off. I won't. God bmuch less. Thank you. And the surgery-- the surgical treatment went exceptional. I had actually a doctor who had done 4,000 surgeries. All of them fucking amazing. That was excellent. You don't desire a medical professional who's done six surgeries, three of them haven't gone that well. You don't want a guy going, "let's view what happens." And the surgery was pretty exceptional. It went fantastic. First point to come ago virtual, Your heart-- ( beeps ) Great. And then your brain. Last thing, asshole. ( grunts ) The drugs make you so constipated, I believed they were gonna need to lug in a priest to execute a rectal exorcism. Demon turd, loss from his ass! The power of fiber compels you! The power of fiber compels you! And after the surgery, they put you on a small self-medicator, which is fucking good. You're choose... ( laughs ) I desire to thank my anesthesiologist, 'reason I don't fucking remember his name. And the drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called propofol which is nicknamed milk of amnesia. Fucking insane drug. I had actually that in a surgical instance. Michael Jackboy was taking propofol at house To sleep. Fuck off. A medical professional said, "taking propofol to sleep is favor doing chemotreatment because you're exhausted of shaving actually your fucking head." It's prefer, no. And execute you think that once you die and also you obtain to the various other side in the afterlife They offer you points you had in life? Like Michael gained to the other side and also it's prefer, Michael? ( high voice ) "yes?" We have some of your things below. "really?" One african-american nose. Is this yours? "yes." We have actually four others here. Are these yours? "three of them are mine. One's Latoya's." But you can't blame Michael. We're a heavily medicated culture. All the drugs we take-- prozac, effexor, valium. I believed for the last 10 years we've been on some weird fucking drug-- the totality country-- A drug referred to as fuck-it-all. What a weird fucking drug. And we're just coming out of it and we're type of waking up. It's favor fuckin'-a. It's weird. It's prefer you're going, The last point I remember was the economic climate was working And tbelow was a budobtain excess. Yeah. Where's Clinton? "we impeached him." Fuck! For what? "a blowjob." What? Who did he blow, Putin? "no. No! He got blown by a Jewish girl." wow! He obtained head from a Jewish girl? Fuckin'-a! And they impeached him for that? "he lied about it." He's married. Who wouldn't? What the fuck? "no, he lied around it to Congress." And those fuckers impeached him?! That's favor a group of lepers judging a beauty contest. What the fuck? Wow, that's nuts. No! "and then they acquitted him." Cool, who was president next, Gore? "no, Shrub." he was already president. "no, this was his son." oh, the one from Florida. He's kinda cool. "no, the one from Texas?" junior?! Fuck. My God, the one that traded Sammy Sosa? Fuck yeah. How was he as president? "kinda goofy. Really, he waved at Stevie Wonder." what the fuck? It's prefer wow. And then what did he do? "he took most vacations." and also then what happened? "we obtained struck." by who? "Osama bin Laden." the male from Afghanistan? Didn't we supplied to sfinish him weapons? "yeah, I recognize." We went after him, right? "yeah." did we gain him? "almost." what carry out you mean almost? "we went after Hussein because he had tools of mass destruction." That guy from Syria. I knew that fuck would carry out this. "no, the one from Iraq." Saddam Hussein?! Shrub, senior, kicked his ass. "yeah, he did." And we obtained him? "oh fuck, we got him." And we uncovered the weapons of mass destruction? Because he would tell you wright here they are. "well, they executed him." fuck off! And did you acquire bin Laden? "nearly. We gained 4 of his number threes." okay! But he's in Afghanistan. "maybe. He could be in Pakistan." let's seek him in Pakistan. "there's a difficulty tright here. They're allies and they have weapons of mass devastation." Oh no! What about the economy? "well, we had to bail out the banks." again? "fuck yeah!" And currently who's the president? "a babsence male." oh yeah, appropriate. Yeah yeah. There's a babsence president and there's a latino on the supreme court. "there is." oh my God! Who's the president-- Jesse Jackson? "no, his name's Barack Hussein Obama." now you're fucking via me. Fuck off! And that's wright here we discover ourselves this day. We have an african-american, but he was not born in Africa. Even though the birthers are going, "he was born in Africa!" Yes, and his campaign was financed by a Nigerian prince on the intenet. Come through me, my frifinish. It's choose their worst nightmare would have gone to the inauguration going, "Mr. Obama, you are now President of the USA." ( Afrideserve to tribal chanting ) Hillary, job-related the booty, work-related the booty, job-related the booty. What the fuck? And you need to break his name down. It's Barack-- blessing, Hussein-- we know that that is, Obama-- it's an old Kenyan word for Kennedy, cool! The moment he was elected, caucasian guilt dropped lower than the stock market. It was choose a brother be going, "my male, could you spe a dollar?" I'm sorry, my good fellow, however I voted for Obama. Good fucking luck. Take care. ( groans ) And now you have actually Michelle. Michelle-- oh my God, girl, please! Mmmm! Yeah, baby, oooh! Like a mix Jackie Onassis and also Serena Williams, Way to go. She is so elegant and she's acquired guns as well, Which is kinda cool. But you obtain the feeling, as elegant as she is, If you dis her male, she will fuck your shit up. Mmm! She will certainly. She will certainly open a can of whupass. She will go from "yes, we can" to "oh, no you didn't." And Obama gained heckled in Congress. What the fuck is that? That would certainly not have happened if Cheney were there. If Cheney were there-- oh no. If someone had heckled "w" Cheney would be choose, bam! Yeah! ( mimics cocking weapons ) "anybody else gained a problem?" Cheney shot a male in the confront searching quail. I don't know about east shore quail, but California quail are this fucking substantial. You gotta drop kick them then obtain them in the air going bam! "shit happens!" And I love Cheney at the inauguration looking choose old man potter. Like, "great luck via the economic situation, bit African prince. Ha ha ha! Take care, Simba. Ha ha ha." And he was transdeveloping as we stop. The last few years He's been turning slowly but surely right into gollum. Like, "they don't likes us. Don't give a shit! Not caring why. Halliburton is the valuable. It's the precious." And he's end up being an archekind now. It's the form of thing that if you desire to frighten a tiny boy, you just have to say, "if you're not good, The Cheneyman will gain you." ( cackles ) Nooooo! And what's "w" doing now? He's a motivational speaker. Kinda cool. It's kinda prefer having actually Lindsey Lohan as a guidance counselor. Way to go. And I love-- I love the fact that they're talking around opening the George W. Shrub library, which I think, wow! That's type of like the Colonel Sanders Culinary Academy. Just the idea alone boggles your mind. And they've already talked about making it exceptionally interenergetic, which I think is code for "not so many type of publications." And I hope they have actually some of his excellent quotes on the wall surfaces, favor, "many our imports come from various other countries." Yes! "the question that's never before asked: Is our youngsters learning?" Didn't understand that. "people misunderestimate me." that's not also a fucking word. Way to go! And you've obtained to reduced "w" some sabsence, man. He comes from a family wright here the smart brvarious other is called Jeb, number one. And he had a wicked coke problem. And why did he need to stop doing blow? Due to the fact that I believe sooner or later he was prefer, "shit, my mom's on the dollar bill! God damn. Gotta reduced this shit out." And close to the end of his term, also world leaders were dissing his ass. There'd be the people financial leaders conference and they'd all be up tright here, Going, "oh, shit, below comes skippy. Fuck off." And he'd be up tright here like a son at a graduation, choose, "nobody likes me. This is bullshit. This is crazy-ass shit." But tbelow was one guy that treated "w" through kindness and respect. And that guy was Tony Blair. Tony Blair and "w" was prefer the United Nations manufacturing of "Rainguy." It was wonderful. Tbelow was sweetness. Tony-- Tony'd be going to "w," "'w,' carry out you understand the price of gas?" "certainly don't understand the price of gas. Don't know the price of gas." "perform you have an economic stimulus package?" "certainly have an financial stimulus package. Might work. Definitely could occupational. Give each and also eextremely amerideserve to over the age of 20 $1 million. Tax them at a level taxation price of 10%. Gives back the federal government $100,000, offers each and every perkid $900,000. Might stimulate locally and personally. Definitely can work-related. Definitely might work." "but 'w'-- 'w,' do you recognize the price of gas?" "definitely don't recognize the price of gas." And the meaning of insanity is Repeating the exact same activity, expecting a various outcome. We elected him the second time, the totality human being went, "what the fuck is going on via you people?" But currently we still have actually comedy though. We still have great comedy out tright here. There's constantly rambling Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says things that also people via tourette's go, "no. No. What is going on?" Joe is choose your uncle Who's on a new drug and hasn't got the dosage best. "I'm proud to work via Barack america." he's not a superhero, you idiot. Come mere. "when F.D.R was was on television..." Tright here was no TV ago then. Come right here, Joe. Bzzzt! Sit down. And then you constantly have Senators willing to push the comedy envelope. Like Senator Larry Craig-- a guy that tried to pick up a guy in a men's room by morse code. How the fuck perform you perform that? How carry out you go, "will... You... Blow... Me?" Maybe. And... There's constantly Governor Sanford. He's a item of job-related. "I'm going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail." Wbelow does it end? "Patagonia Oh, fuck off. And if constantly, if you want comedy tbelow is constantly Sarah Palin. God bmuch less. She is wonderful. Sarah... Sarah is a self-opening piñata. She is a gift. How did they discover her? Was it "task running mate"? Is that exactly how they obtained her? Did Ronald Reagan have actually a child via Vanna White and also drop it off in Alaska? And it was raised by wolves and that's why she hunts them? "you're not my dad. You're not my dad." And she states amazing points Like, "I recognize around Russia because I can view it from my backyard." You have super vision, number one. I deserve to watch San Quentin from my backyard yet that doesn't qualify me on prikid redevelop. What the fuck? And it's remarkable as well. She sassist, "polar bears are not endangered. They're simply unlucky." Oh, really? And who knew Katie Couric was the cutting edge of journalism with ambush inquiries choose, "what carry out you read?" "well... Well, that's a trick question." Not if you review, no. You know the basic difference in between her and also Cheney? She shoots you, game over. She will have you gutted and standing on the wall beside Barbara Wchanges. In the last few days of the election she gained really sexy. She let the hair dvery own. I assumed the last day of the election she was gonna pop the Prada And be like... "yeah! How execute you prefer my north slopes now, boys? Drill, baby. Drill, baby, drill." And carry out you think the whole time she was running for office Clinton was sitting at house going, "wbelow was she once I was in office? Shit. God damn. She is warm. Whoa. That's a milf. That's a mom I'd prefer to filibuster. Yeah." And Bill did some great work-related newly. He checked out North Korea, got the 2 girls home. Way to go, Bill. Way to go. Got them earlier. Way to go. Good task. But I wanted to be in the room when Kim Jong il came in the room and went, "so, Bill Clinton. You carry me the images I asked you for? I have on my massive boy glasses. I desire those images and also Clay Aiken." "why perform you want Clay Aiken?" "you understand why I desire Clay Aiken. That's how I 'roro.' That's just how I 'rororo.' That's what I choose." And you think once Bill got back from North Korea And Hillary got earlier from Africa, that was a unstable dinner? Hillary went, "Bill, congratulations on North Korea." "we'll baby, it was a happy ending. Shit, wrong words." "come aobtain, Bill?" "not this time, baby. Not this time." And civilization acquired mad at Hillary that she didn't go trailer park on Bill's ass during the Monica Lewinskies thing. That she didn't begin throwing his shit on the white House lawn Like, "Bill Clinton, you lying sack of shit! How might you find the only Jewish girl who couldn't get a stain out? You asshole! Damn you!" And he'd be on the lawn prefer an episode of "Cops" Going, "I love you, baby! Depends on what your meaning of is is. And as soon as Hillary ran for president tright here were many men going, "I don't know around a woguy president." What are you worried about? You worried eexceptionally 28 days She'll be going, "I can't talk to Putin. Not this day. I'm just gonna balance my budget and watch my stories." She's in her 60s. She has actually her very own global warming appropriate currently, Number one. She is one hard ass woguy. And you don't necessarily desire sexy. I understand when Sarah ran most guys are going, "she energizes my base." Yeah, all ideal. But necessarily-- Sexy and civilization leaders, not necessarily the case. Especially with female civilization leaders. Throughout history-- Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi-- These are women you might not want to fuck, however you certainly don't desire to fuck with them. They are scary woguys. Oh my God. Whoo. And if you don't think a woguy deserve to manage a armed forces situation, ask the argentineans. They were going, "Margaret Thatcher, that crazy coño sank a battleship. She is nuts." She was Julia Child on steroids going, "I will certainly sink your shit ideal now. I will certainly open up a can of whupass on you bit brown males. I will certainly perform it best now." And you need to look at the English Royal Family and also realize all that money and no dental arrangement. How sad. So sad indeed. But if you desire sex in national politics the French are always tbelow to peak everyone. The French have actually a president, Sarkozy, whose wife fucked Mick Jagger. Way to go. The French look at the Americans like, "optimal that, little puritans. Take treatment." And I think there's one man we can run for office that also the French would certainly go, "fuck off." That male is Jack Nicholchild. Yes! Oh yeah, baby. He's nuts. You'll never have actually a sex scandal via Jack bereason he has fucked everyone. I had Angelina Jolie and afterwards she embraced me. What? And he's done eexceptionally recognized drug well-known to mantype. He'd be the only guy in the people that Keith Richards would go, "I need to go residence currently, Jack. No, I really do. It's fucking over." Wbelow you running, you pussy? Get ago below. It's so weird as well. If you elect celebrities it's constantly not a great concept. Since in The golden state we are a 60% hispanic state. We elected an Austrian Governor. Even old nazis are going, "that's weird." He has a tough time also saying the name of the state. Arnold, wbelow are you Governor? "Caforna." What? "Cafornaa." And he's married to a Kennedy, Maria Shriver, Who has actually been obtaining thinner and also fucking thinner and smaller. I think he is sucking the Kennedy out of her. Shh. Slowly but sudepend coming to be a Kennedy by assimilation. Which is kind of cool. That's exactly how you get a liberal Republihave the right to, which is neat. It's like a Volvo with a gun rack. You don't view many them. And in terms of energy policies-- 21st century. Stem cell research-- 21st century. Immigration-- Arnold's a tiny old college. Arnold, just how will you manage immigration? "I will certainly develop a wall surface." And also the Chinese go, "that will not fucking job-related. They will go around approximately your wall. And who will certainly construct the wall? The people you are trying to fucking keep out." So possibly you desire to design some self-picking fruit real easily. Come via me appropriate now. And... In California we barely well balanced the budgain. They were coming up with weird alternatives to balance the budacquire favor marketing San Quentin as actual estate. What the fuck? Is this favor, are you going to open up some type of severe spa? These are the lovely sodomy suites. Come through me over below. Don't sit in that chair... Zzzp... Too late. Thank you. And they're gonna cshed Guantanamo. And I go, what are you gonna open up there? Maybe an amusement park. We'll contact is Muslim Mountain. It'll be cool. What will certainly the water slide be? We strap you to a board and send you head initially in to a pool. Good luck. And wbelow are they gonna send all those guys from Guantanamo? People in Texas are going, "we'll take 'em." Zzzp... No, you can't-- zzzp... No! And the whole budgain crisis, The whole manic recession, we've simply come through this manic recession. Remember the banks saying, "we're as well big to fail"? It's choose saying as well fat to diet. What are you doing? Remember they involved us going, "we need $500 billion"? We went, okay, right here you go. A week later... "we require some more." You fuckers are financial freebasing. What are you doing? They're choose a group of junkies who've relapsed and are going, "oh my guy, listen. I just require some liquidity, you understand what I'm saying? I just ran into some negative subprime, you know? We had some complex formulas. We just didn't variable in greed and panic. Yeah. I just require $805 billion by Tuesday. I would certainly not fuck you aacquire." My God, it was insane. In the middle of all this, tbelow was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made-off." Hmm. Yes. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be via the accountancy firm of Dewy, Fuckyou & Howe? And currently Bernie's in prison wright here insider trading is a totality other game. The bull industry is what your ass will bear, motherfucker. Let's execute this. Mm-hmm. Payback's a bitch. Yeah. And then the auto suppliers required help. And I believed, wait a minute. Wouldn't it be cool is the oil service providers offered a tiny money to the automobile companies? I understand it's choose your dealer paying for rehab, but why not? Give it a swarm. And currently we're trying to obtain off the petroleum titty. It's choose we're trying to kick it. And just how are we doing this? We're in search of alternate fuels. Some of the different fuels are a hydrogen powered vehicle. Cool idea. If you're reasoning of a hydrogen powered auto, I have one word for you-- Hindenburg. Good luck. An even more interesting gas and a lot even more fun is helium. Number one through helium, you can float over the potholes. And if you get right into an accident you obtain out of the automobile through road rage going... ( high voice ) I'm gonna kick your ass. What? Oh my God. I've got a fuel leak. How weird is that? I can't kick your ass. I sound like a chipmunk. This is nuts. Look at all the clowns getting out of the trunk of my car. Fuck off. And I've found another alternative fuel. And I found it by accident. I was having actually my morning coffee, and I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain. Number two, and more importantly, to jumpstart my colon. More importantly. The minute I have my morning coffee it's favor, morning, everybody. Fire in the hole! Son, open up the bathroom door. I don't treatment if you're rubbing one out, I've got to drop a resume. Open the door. And also the dog is going, "he's leaking methane!" There's a dead canary in the edge prefer... And I went, wait a minute. I'm leaking methane. I'm my own fuel source. How about this for a brand-new car? The brand-new ford colon. How around this? Here's the ad: Me shirt, no pants, tube in my ass. Hi, I'm Robin Williams. I've simply had a babsence bean burrito. That's right, I'm gonna drive all the method from San Francisco to Washington, D.C. Yup, the shit's hit the fan and it's powering my car. Won't you sign up with us? Fuck green, go brown. Come on. Come via us currently. Anvarious other different fuel is ethanol. And human being from the South are going, "that's moonshine, motherfucker." Damn appropriate. And ethanol is pure grain alcohol. No better car in the human being to drive if you're an alcoholic. If you acquire quit by the police you can get out of the automobile going, "officer, I've had actually a few cocktails. My vehicle, however, is completely fucked up." Even the cheap gas in the car is going, "I don't understand wright here the fuck I am a God damn tree just jumped out at me." And Hyundai renders a vehicle that can park itself. I'm going, wbelow the fuck were you as soon as I was drinking? God damn! What a great auto. You acquire in the automobile a little loaded going, Shall I drive home? Fuck yeah. And before you carry out, blow me. And what an excellent brand-new automobile. The new Ford fellatio. That would certainly be a car. It gets you off before it gets you there. And a lot of cars currently have G.P.S. which is kind of cool. I have actually a G.P.S. in my auto. I was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge. I was halfway throughout and all of a sudden the car went, "take a best turn." What? No can perform, Hal. I'm not that depressed really. And the car went, "really, Robin? I observed 'Bicentennial Man.'" Shut the fuck up! Damn you. And it's a bitchy english voice also. It goes, "in one quarter mile, take a best turn. In one eighth mile take a best turn. There it was. You missed it, Magellan. Shall I reroute? I that has accessibility to 12 satellites? You that doesn't look at a fucking item of paper?" And maybe they should have a G.P.S. that ages via you. It becomes age appropriate. So ultimately the car's going, "there's your turn! Hello! No no, that's not it. Maybe the next one. That could be it. That could be it. Yeah, that's the one. Tright here provided to be a gas terminal there, yeah. Yeah. Right. That's when gas was a nickel a gallon. That's it, yeah." I desire a Scottish G.P.S. 'cause I think that would be an honest G.P.S. It would certainly be going, "there's your rotate. You fucking missed it, you idiot. Take an additional fucking ideal turn. Take another fucking right turn Take one more fucking right revolve. Ooh, there's your fucking view. Yeah!" They say that Bob Dillon is gonna be making a G.P.S. I want that G.P.S. "driving down the road. Up ahead there's a light. Very soon very shortly you're gonna have to take a ideal. Driving alengthy, driving along, Driving in the land also of the totally free. So remember to pull off, you have to take a pee. Do it currently. Pull up ahead. Don't attempt to soptimal. Oh God, oh God. Look out, there's a cop. Look out. I'm simply trying to straight you As one affluent hebrew." And it's cool currently. If you see someone driving alone Talking prefer this... Hopecompletely they're hands-cost-free and also not out of their fucking mind. 'reason in the old days if you saw someone driving and talking prefer... And they're alone you go, adjust fucking lanes. And hands-totally free suggests hands free to talk on the phone. This does not mean discover an additional activity for your hands, Like text messaging. No no. Texting and also driving at the exact same time is like jerking off and juggling at the very same time. Too many kind of balls in the air, if you capture my drift. And unmuch less you're gonna construct an eye like a chameleon wbelow one looks dvery own and one looks ahead, your brain will certainly ultimately go, "I can't do this! I am intextificated. This is insane." And once you acquire out of the auto take out the bluetooth, o, Salso of Nine. Join us. Come ago, yes. Oh please. It's all ideal.


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'reason you'll be wearing the bluetooth and also deaf civilization are going, "are you hearing? No, you're just an asshole via a bluetooth. Fuck you."