Christchurch, New Zealand
Photos and videos at Christchurch, New Zealand
Lost in this concrete jungle.
When I’m depressed, I want to be left alone. It’s not that I want to be by myself; I just want to disappear. I don’t want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. It’s like no matter what I do, people are telling me I’m doing something wrong. So, the easiest way to feel better is to hide.
I can spend days lying in bed either not sleeping but seeing everything bad in my life spinning in my eyelids or I zonk out for 12 hours and I feel way worse for it. If I try to read a book or watch a movie I cant focus I cant relax my mind just keeps going back to everything. Listening to music or audio books irritates me it like something else to add to all the crazy going on in my head.
No matter what it is — work, hanging out with friends, exercise — I don’t enjoy things because the smallest details annoy me. If friends invite me out, I imagine all the other negative things. I think of every possible downside of something, which leaves me dreading the idea of doing anything. I turn into this sad irritable old woman.
But the more I understand the problem, the more I know that the depression is temporary and I don’t always think clearly during it. That self-reminder helps me from doing anything stupid.
When I think about the future, I don’t like what I see. I can only envision more troubles, endless work, and an endless string of letdowns. I get so exhausted and every part of my being is wishing I would just disappear. ⠀⠀
It’s like one moment I’ve got your future figured out and I feel like yes! I’m finally doing something with my life and I start imagining about the success and how it would make people around you proud of you and then boom! Next moment all I can think about is how I’m good for nothing, and there’s nothing I can do with my life and no one expects anything from me anyway, and what’s the point of life in itself, and you just let go of that little hope that brightened your life for few seconds. Or even the other way being completely miserable and scared life crumbling before me then I get a package in the mail and bam Im laughing and smiling and bouncing off the walls.
Pic: http://bipolarowl.tumblr.com/page/2 #happy #rollercoaster #mania #feet #another #depression #youarenotalone #instamentalhealth #anxiety #mans #shoes #eyes #mentalhealth #help #sad #bipolarowl #dark #open #understanding #light #exhausting #hope #bipolar #instamania #endthestigma #girl #truth
So for me bipolar is a lot easier to describe as Iv suspected Iv had it for years. Initially I was in denial then I accepted it to and finally asked for help and got diagnosed.
So for me the mania is like those moments when you tell yourself its to good to be true. I’m full of energy like energies bunny that just doesn’t stop. I move fast, I talk fast, I think fast, and I feel like Im capable of anything and everything, nothing in life can get me down.
I myself get tunnel visioned. I come up with a master plan and every second Im awake all I can think about and do are things for the plan. I Forget to eat and I forget to sleep. What feels like an hour could be a day. Im completely immersed in what I am doing. ⠀⠀
When Im going through mania I can plan every detail of my life, know without a doubt I will be a success and everything will be perfect. I have a lot of issues with money when I do have it as if I go through a bout of mania its gone on a bunch of totally random stuff. Last night for instance I went online shopping (Thanfully im broke) so I went through like 4 websites and everything I liked I put in the cart at the end I had put over $15000 worth of stuff in these baskets. I had the perfect life dreamed up and I then just looked at the lists for hours dreaming about it and before I knew it the sun was up and the night was over. And that was with me trying to sleep but every time I closed my eyes I had another idea I had to google another item to add to the list.
It makes me feel really good to make other people feel good and smile. This means at times I can become like a servant. Making food getting people drinks and anything else they need from where ever it is. I will be up down up down constantly. If I have money I also have a habit of spending it all on other people. So I love helping people I just wish it was more relaxed and not so compulsive.
So I talk at a million miles an hour. I’m all over the place, dominating every conversation. I’ve been told I talk too fast and switch topics so quickly that it’s hard for others to keep up with me. Sometimes I can’t keep up with myself.
http://bipolarowl.tumblr.com/page/2 #happy #rollercoaster #mania #feet #another #depression #youarenotalone #instamentalhealth #anxiety #mans #shoes #eyes #mentalhealth #help #sad #bipolarowl #dark #open #understanding #light #exhausting #hope #bipolar #instamania #endthestigma #girl #truth
how to deal with loss of a place, asking for a friend
種種跡象像是在警告，我永遠是顆草莓，ever and ever
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