George: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing... we don"t care and it shows.
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George: This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children"s Alliance?Jerry: Oh, that"s nice.George: I got him Yankee tickets. He"s saying, "I gave your gift to someone else."
Jerry: When George was growing up his father hated all the commercial religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.Elaine: Oh, and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.Jerry: And instead of a tree didn"t your father put up an aluminum pole?George: Stop it.Jerry: Weren"t there feats of strength that ended up with you crying?
Jerry: You don"t need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that. It"s all computerized. Technology. They"re cloning sheep now.Kramer: No, no, no. They"re not cloning sheep. It"s the same sheep. I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin Show.
Kramer: What are those?Harry: Those are raisin bagels.Kramer: I never thought I"d live to see that.
George: So attractive one day, not attractive the next.Jerry: Have you come across this?George: Yes, I am familiar with the syndrome. She"s a two-face.Jerry: Like the Batman villain? George: If that helps you.
George: Hey, check this out. I gotta give Christmas presents at Kruger so I"m pulling a Whatley.Jerry: A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund. What is that?George: Made it up.Jerry: The Human Fund. Money for people.George: What do you think? Jerry: It has a certain understated stupidity.
Jerry: Happy Festivus.Kramer: What"s Festivus?Jerry: When George was growing up his father...George: Stop it. It"s nothing. It"s a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn"t exist.Elaine: Happy Festivus, Georgie.
Kramer: Frank invented a holiday? He"s so prolific.
Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.Kramer: What happened to the doll?Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us.Kramer: That must have been some kind of doll.Frank: She was.
Frank: And at the Festivus dinner you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.Kramer: And is there a tree?Frank: No. Instead there"s a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.Frank: Let"s do it then. Festivus is back. I"ll get the pole out of the crawl space.
George: What is that? Is that the pole? Frank: George, Festivus is your heritage. It"s part of who you are.George: That"s why I hate it.
Frank: George you"re forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the cassette tapes. (Frank presses play on the tape recorder. Voices are then heard.)Frank: Read that poem.George: I can"t read it. I need my glasses.Frank: You don"t need glasses. You"re just weak. You"re weak.Estelle: (yelling) Leave him alone!Frank: All right, George. It"s time for the Festivus feats of strength.(George slams the tape recorder and turns it off.)George: (gets up and runs away) Oh, no. Turn it off. There"s no feats of strength. I hate Festivus.Frank: We had some good times.
Kramer: (on strike) No bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel, yow!
Kramer: (upon seeing Elaine after she was in the steamy bagel shop) Yamahama, it"s fright night.Elaine: Oh, yeah. I got a little steam bath.
Kruger: George, we"ve got a problem. There"s a memo here from accounting telling me there"s no such thing as the Human Fund.George: Well, there could be.Kruger: But there isn"t.
Kruger: You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.George: Well, sir, I gave out the fake card because I don"t really celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Festivus.Kruger: Feminist?George: Festivus, sir. And I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, sir.
George: Happy Festivus.Frank: George. This is a surprise. Who"s the suit? George: Dad, this is my boss Mr. Kruger.Frank: Have you seen the pole Kooger?George: No, he doesn"t need to see the pole.Frank: He"s gonna see it.
Frank: It"s made from aluminum. Very high strength to weight ratio.Kruger: I find your belief system fascinating.
Bookie: Hello, again, Miss Benes.Elaine: What are you doing here? Bookie: Damnedest thing. Me and Charlie were calling to ask you out and we got this bagel place...Kramer: (interrupting) I told them I was just about to see you. It"s a Festivus miracle!
Kruger: (to Kramer) Dr. Van Nostrand?Kramer: Oh... that"s right.
Frank: Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people and now you"re gonna hear about it.
Frank: You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks.George: Oh, God.Frank: Quiet, you"ll get yours in a minute... Kruger, you couldn"t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe... (places his hands on his head) ... I lost my train of thought.
Gwen: Jerry!Jerry: Gwen! How"d you know I was here?Gwen: Kramer told me.Kramer: Another Festivus miracle!
Elaine: Hey, how did my horse do?Bookie: He had to be shot.
Frank: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.George: Not the feats of strength!
George: Kramer, you can"t go. Who"s gonna do the feats of strength? Kruger: How about George? Frank: Good thinking, Cougar. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over.George: Oh, please. Somebody stop this.Frank: Let"s rumble!
(Voices are heard inside the Costanza house)Estelle: I think you can take him, Georgie.George: Hey, come on. Be sensible.
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Frank: Stop crying and fight your father.George: Oh, oh I give. I give!Frank: This is the best Festivus ever!